DEAR MALIA OBAMA,

First things first. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your whole family. Your dad is not only the first black president but in the words of my brother Rell Brodie he's the first president to have a lining. A historic feat we may never see again. I see you've been getting a lot of flack in the news lately. The criticism will likely come from old ugly creepy white politicians who never seen a set of titties without paying for them until they were 36 years old and boring republican women who don't have juice in their households, keep fruit bowls full of fruits only assholes eat like pears and apricots and look like 77 year olds but they're only 41. Trust me Malia, those conservative weirdos and their kids have done unforgivable shit in their lifetime it's just never came to light. I mean look at the Bush sisters. They had more booze and coke than Ozzy Osbourne in his prime. 

I'm proud of you because you hit the dank dank. You had superb one hand technique in holding the doob and took a simple toke and you didn't hog it. Impressive. Ask your pops to legalize it for the culture. You were shaking ya ass to Bryson Tiller and that's awesome. I thought Bryson only makes sad music you can't dance to but I guess not. I wished more people danced like no one's watching. The world would be a better place. You were having the time of your life at Lollapalooza. I hope you got to catch my homie Smino set at Lolla. If not, it's okay he's about to be on a world tour and hosting Saturday Night Live in a year or two anyway. You can smoke all you want at his shows so no judgement will occur. 

I want you to be careful. You got some snakes in your grass. Mow your lawn. They out here Malia and it looks like they're in your circle. Keep the plug on the trees. The weed man your friend but get rid of the young lady who recorded you. I don't want you going out sad. She looked like a demon anyway. Had her tongue out like a serpent. Plotting. She knew what she was doing Malia. I just need you to tighten the circle up. Some people don't have your best interest. 

You might be feeling down about all this. You maybe feeling ashamed but don't be. When I was 18 the girls back then my age were doing way worse than what you're doing. Weed is awesome. It's healthier than alcohol and cigarettes. If everyone smoked weed violence would decrease. Twerking is a black woman's favorite past time. You're doing great. Back then 18 year old girls I went to school with were doing cocaine, pills, and doing things sexually that would put 15 dollar hookers to shame. We just didn't have social media to highlight the behavior. I wish I could smoke trees, dance, and not worry about having student loan debt. You're in a great position. Just be unbothered by all of this. 

You took a year off before starting your college career. I wish I did the same. Spend that year doing what you're doing now. We only get one bat at life. You're a smart, fun, beautiful, young black woman with a bright future. It's okay to have the kind of fun you're having. You're doing what any normal 18 year old would do. Sure it will be magnified times 1000 because your pops is the most powerful man in the world for 6 more months but who cares about public perception just live your life, respect yourself and others, don't smoke reggie, and listen to some Shawty Lo. You'll love him if you haven't heard him. He's like Jesus but can get you anything for the L-O. 

Continue hitting the trees and dancing. I'm proud of you. If I had a daughter I'd want her to be like you. Let me let you in on a little secret Malia. They're not really mad at you for smoking weed. Deep down they're mad because you're happy and they're not. Never forget that. 

Sincerely, 

A ugly black man from St.Louis...... Benny