A POLITE GUIDE: ARGUING WITH YOUR WOMAN

You're sitting on your couch watching T.V. You hear your name called from another room. It's your woman and your soul drops to your stomach. 

You walk into the room and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is ...... "I find it funny." 

Congratulations. You've arrived to Hell. Population? You. 

I'll guide you through this. 

NOTHING MAKES SENSE

This isn't a debate. Logic is not your friend. It's actually your enemy. This argument is rigged and you're not winning it under any circumstances.

If you raise your voice than you're the bad guy. If you say nothing and listen to her then you don't care. If you speak respectfully then she thinks you a bitch ass nigga. If you laugh she'll chop you in the throat. There's no outcome that favors you. 

The only way you can win the argument is that you have to be a savage and not give a fuck about losing your woman. 

If the savage route is not for you then just sit there and take the verbal assault. 

FOOD

I've tried this and failed because she ate and had wine before she began cussing me out but you can try and ask her if she hungry in the middle of the argument to kind of throw everything off. Food is a good route to forgiveness. 

It's basically a half court shot but you can shoot it with Steph Curry confidence. What do you have to lose? She already pissed so fuck it. Go for it. 

NO SLEEP

Nigga you up! You're only getting 3 hours of sleep max.

You ever been a real fight? I'm talking a fist fight and it feels like you've been fighting for 5 minutes but in reality you were only fighting for 45 seconds?

Well it's kinda the same with arguing with your girl. The argument with your woman started at 11pm and you look at the clock and it is now 3am. Your sense of time will be fucked up. 

She don't give a fuck about her sleep. Women are fucking crazy that's why she don't care. You're not going to sleep until she is satisfied with the amount of emotional damage you've taken. 

PRAY 

There are a few things you should pray to God about during this argument. 

- Pray a phone isn't taken out. If she takes out her phone that means social media has made it's way into the argument which means you're fucked because it's most likely physical evidence of a comment, like, or a chick writing on your page. It doesn't matter if you didn't respond back to what the chick wrote. Somehow you're responsible for the shit.

Now If she has YOUR phone in her possession then my nigga you FINISHED. The texts have been breached! Have your lies locked and loaded and ready to fly! Start pretending you dumb. Develop a temporary hearing problem. Act like parrot and repeat everything she says. These are key defense mechanisms. You're gonna need all this shit. 

You could be honest and come clean too but what fun is that?  

- Pray that some makeup sex will happen immediately after this verbal ass kicking you're getting. You already getting only 2-3 hours of sleep before going to work for 8 plus hours. Just pray you get the cheeks after going through hell. 

- Pray that nothing from the past is brought into this. From my experience in arguments, the woman will bring up some shit that she said in the past she wasn't tripping over but now since she pissed she bringing it up and throwing it in your face. Now instead of one argument you're arguing about 4 different things and you have to try and resolve all 4 of those things. 

- Pray that if your homie is dragged into this argument that he knows how to lie on your behalf to your woman. Just pray that he is a real one and that he knows the code. 

YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH MUHFUCKA LIVING

You only think about yourself. You only care about your feelings. You will hear this numerous times through this argument. 

They forget the times you didn't want to cuddle but you did anyway. You know what we sacrifice when we cuddle? OUR ARM! No matter how big your arm is, if your arm is underneath your girl for hours that shit gone be sleep and feel like a noodle afterwards. Your arm gone deader than Ricky trying to get home from the store. 

The time where you bought enough food for the both of you and she STILL ate your shit and you didn't even trip. 

The time you let her win at shit at Dave & Busters even though it had you looking like a weak ass nigga. She know damn well she can't shoot a basketball better than you. Your jumper wet like Toni Childs lips from the show "Girlfriends." You could've beat her at everything and talked shit but you didn't. You were a gentleman. You let her win. 

All those fucking chick flick movies you had to sit through. Those weird Morris Chestnut, Michael Ealy movies where they always play the same person. Those awful Tyler Perry movies. Your Thursdays wasted on Scandal instead of NBA on TNT. 

All that and you're the selfish one. 

SHE WORTH IT 

Someone loves your ugly ass enough to yell and lose sleep over you. If she didn't then she would leave you. Get through the argument. Be grateful you have her. Be a better man. She's worth it.