The night that if you’re single you’re excited because booty might be on the horizon or if you’re in a relationship you’re just there so you won’t get fined like Marshawn Lynch. It’s the date night on Upscale With Prentice.
Now every relationship has their ruts. Starts off exciting and unpredictable and then when you’re used to each other and know each others habits everything gets routine. Trust me you’ll be in your man cave after work. She’ll be somewhere else probably on the phone after work. Too much routine is bad.
Sex will become routine and you’ll start asking for it. You don’t want to ask for sex it should just happen and you don’t want your girl to ask you …
“Do I have to take off my bra?”
Hell yeah you do! Titties are terrific! Boobies are breathtaking! Little ones, big ones, they’re awesome! Rut or no rut she can do what she wants but the titties stay home Anna Mae! The titties stay home! *Ike Turner voice*
MOMMA I GOT MANNERS NOW!
First stop! Manners and charm!
We learn about how to be Stone Cold Gentlemen like Ralph Tresvant. Pulling out our lady chair. Asking if they’re okay. Suave shit like that. I never asked a woman I’ve been on a date with if they’re okay after helping them with their chair. Probably cause I was too damn hungry but I’ll be sure to keep that in my mind for the next time.
I never take out my phone on dates. One of my ex’s wasn’t going for that shit unless she was doing it. If I didn’t want a trip to Argument town and a sleepless night full of hearing all of her sentences starting with “I find it funny that..” I just kept my phone in my jacket. I’m not a big phone person on dates anyway. I like to make people laugh so I try to conversate as much as possible.
For all you Instagram fiends. Do what the lady told Prentice. Take a selfie together and put it away and post it after the date to avoid looking at who liked or shared your photo throughout the date. It’s all about you two tonight. Nobody else.
The table setting was confusing. Like the ending of The Sopranos confusing. I’d mess that up every time. The manners teacher was explaining all the silverware to Prentice and I was so lost. The dessert fork is gonna take a trip into the pasta if I’m at the table. Sorry guys.
Now we learn that when a lady excuses herself from the table the man has to stand up and stand up when she returns to the table too. I’ve actually seen dudes do this in restaurants and I thought they were weirdos but the truth is they probably got Tommy and Keisha from “Belly” level sex after the date was over and I got another night of Call Of Duty and my leftover pasta until 2am.
A BROTHER CANT GET A PEDICURE?
Prentice goes to a mani and pedi spot tailor made for the fellas. They had brown liquor served in there so you know this is some playa shit.
I’ve never had a mani and pedi before. Mainly because after all my years of sports, my feet are horrific and I’m ashamed. My last relationship I kept my socks on until the first time she told me she loved me. If I took my socks off before that and she saw my feet the relationship would've been over. My feet look like Craig Mack. My feet look like I’ve walked to Vancouver from St.Louis.
I don’t know about y’all but the service in Hammer and Nails (I think I got that right lol) was A1 and Tasha deserves a bonus. Not too many people can play with feet, serve drinks, and drop life jewels all in one session. Somebody get that sista a TEDtalk. Soaking your feet in milk and honey while Tasha tells you about yourself and what you need to do in your life sounds like a good day.
YA SMELL ME?
Time to get the cologne game up. Prentice pulls up to the fragrance shop for the smell good.
My favorite cologne right now is True Religion. Not a fan of the clothes but the cologne is Kobe Bryant in the clutch. I get multiple hugs when I wear it. Now I know the lady told Prentice you might want to be subtle when putting it on but I’m sorry lady I do it how Vinny from “Jersey Shore” does it! You gotta beatbox your cologne. You gotta spray it like you making a beat with your mouth and just walk into it.
After the fragrance shop visit, Prentice goes into the street and has random people smell him like a scratch and sniff sticker and survey says he smells like the great outdoors.
WRITING LIKE SHAKESPEARE
Prentice takes lessons in calligraphy to write a invitation for his wife for date night. Calligraphy is hard as fuck. I had to do it in art class in high school and I kept breaking those tips. I can’t write in cursive with a regular pen so me using a writing utensil that was used to write sonnets in the 1700’s is probably gonna suck for me.
Prentice invites his homie to take lessons with him and they create invitations for their wives then dip them in gold like the Michael Jackson “Remember The Time” video. Date night invites complete!
Prentice goes to random couples in a restaurant on dates to share what he’s learned and what stood out to me about it was the couple that’s been together for 50 years and the guy defined compromise as doing whatever your wife says. He’s absolutely right fellas and that’s why he’s been married for 50 years.
Just provide stellar date nights and do whatever she wants and it’ll be “Happy Wife. Happy Life.”