I found myself recently asking myself a question.
I said “Self, what in the fuck do you want?”
Now I’m thinking this is a simple question to answer. I’m like “Self, my nigga, the fuck you mean what do I want? I want to do whatever I want without worrying about shit out here.”
I thought that was a good enough answer but that answer has been bothering me for the last couple of days because I’m a thinker and thinkers annoy themselves and sometimes other people.
I don’t know what the fuck I want. When I tried to narrow it down to something specific I couldn’t think of anything. Like do I want a Oscar? No. Do I want to be on TV? Yes and No. Yes because I want people to try and joan on me. No because I’m very behind the scene-ish like a cool ass villain pulling all the strings. Do I want to be on The Breakfast Club? Yeah so I can talk shit and drop gems on niggas but it’s not a priority to me.
I don’t know what I want and it’s because I’m obsessed with the journey and I’m afraid it will end when I achieve what I want. I love the journey and process of working to achieve something great that much.
I could easily say I want a million dollars but I know as soon as I get it I’m going to miss being poor and my mindset while being poor. Rich people be looking bored as fuck. They can go buy whatever they want. They can travel wherever they want but they look bored if they’re not absorbed in their work. The dumb shit they be doing is a result of boredom. They’ve achieved what they’ve worked their whole lives for and don’t know what to do next. That is a actual fear of mine. The ones that are absorbed in their work are never bored and almost never in some bullshit.
If I get a million dollars what’s next? Go for 2 million? Numbers are infinite so if I keep chasing money I’d lose myself. It’ll never be enough for me.
I’ve officially become obsessed with loving the journey. I love no one really knows who I am. I just keep working and working. A article goes unread and unnoticed I don’t feel negative about it. I’m actually excited because I get to add more time into my journey. The process is so important and I’ve learned to fall madly (Sounding Shakespeare saying “Madly" head ass) in love with the process. It keeps me sane and keeps me focused.
If you want to get far you have to love your journey. The reason I feel that you have to love your journey is because I noticed something while asking myself those questions. The destination was never the goal. The destination was the journey itself the whole fucking time. Oooooh I’m on some Homer’s Odyssey Alchemist type shit right now. It’s not about the most goals we can achieve in a lifetime. We truly want to go on the most journey’s we can in a lifetime.
Journey’s make us into who we are. They’re cocoons for humans. We always come out of Journey’s differently than we started. I’m not a butterfly though. Butterflies be scaring the shit outta me. I’m a cat or something. Panther, Lion, Cheetah, Whatever dope cat there is. Actually I’m a turtle. Turtles gotta love their journey's. They move when the fuck they want to and at their own pace. They always take their time.
The journey is all about your growth as a human moving through the world. It makes you. It shapes who you are. It toughens you. I know people who really came from the bottom and went through poverty most of us can’t fathom and they made it to where they wanted to go and the one thing I took away from them explaining to me how they made it to where they are today was their appreciation of their journey. Although it was fucked up it turned them into a savage (in a good way). Nothing shakes them up. They’re battle tested and ready for whatever. Fear is not an option.
Whatever you’re on a journey for just love the journey. It’s gonna be bad and good but it makes you appreciative of what you’re going through. Continue to work hard. Continue to love. You’re gonna be mad, sad, happy, all of that shit but as long as you’re in love with the present moment and open to learning all you can in the present moment then what you’re striving for will arrive sooner than later.
Real shit. This society and life we live in is unstable as fuck and we have no control. It’s something you may not want to hear but it’s the truth. Just love your journey regardless. You’ll learn more from your journey than the success you achieve.
Bye I’m going to go play some Jodeci now. =)