Long story short I emptied out my bank account packed no clothes and planned to drive west somewhere. Didn’t give a fuck about being homeless, felt like it was better than where my life was at the moment. I’m okay now I’m just thankful I wasn’t hurt or anyone else was hurt and I’m finally taking the right steps to getting my life together. I have a clean slate and I really get to focus on things which feels good. First time in my life I’m able to do this.
I have a bad habit of not asking for help. I rather drown than ask for help. I rather fail than ask for help. I did it in school growing up. Every teacher I had told my parents “He refuses to ask for help even though that’s what we’re here for.” I’ve been that way my entire life because I’m addicted to doing things my way and my way only. Very silly mindset. So instead of asking for help I ended up having a hilarious yet alarming mental breakdown which if you knew me you seen it coming since last summer. My schedule, work, shit drove me crazy. It’s hilarious cause where the fuck was I gonna go? New Mexico? I ain’t pack no drawls. No toothbrush. How the fuck I’m a live without movies and anime?
Anyway I wanna talk about help.
I look at help in a lens as a form of weakness which is very concerning. I seen people ask different people in my life and I seen how people looked at them when they asked for help and I told myself “I never wanna be that person.” I seen kids in classes I was in continuously interrupt class to ask for help and other kids laughed at them and called them stupid. I looked at people as crackheads if they asked for help. Guess that’s what pride is. I also fear that people will hold it against me in the future so I just handle shit the best way I can on my own. I never once asked for your help so when I have shit you want you can’t tell me shit. I have people in my life that would do anything for me and I would never ask for their help. My pops will literally do anything for me and he an alien cause the shit I’ve done where he had to bail me out of any normal parent would be like “fuck no.” I’m one of those people who ask for help when the hole has been dug deeper than Melvin from The Temptations voice and the situation basically beyond repair.
I just be seeing so many begging ass niggas and I group that in with people who need actual help. You know how niggas want people to help them but in reality they want people to enable them? They want people to solve the problem for them while they put in little to no effort in assisting. That’s what I keep associating actual help with. It’s all I’ve seen growing up and all of my adulthood. All I’ve seen is people who would never be broke with you expect help from you. I saw somebody who inherited money had their family lie on their name cause they couldn’t get what they want out of them. I’ve seen people who have worked hard for what they have and seen people ask for help or a piece of what that person earned and get upset when that person told them no. I’ve seen people who separate themselves from others just to get their life in order and people make that person’s healing about them. That’s just how shit go though. When you’re selfish about your life in a good way the toxic people who are effected will say you’re selfish in a bad way and make it about themselves.
If you help me I feel you’re taking on MY responsibilities and then I feel like a weak ass nigga and then my mind goes crazy with negative thoughts about myself. That also makes my already bad communication skills even worse. If I admit I need help that means I admit I’ve lost control of something and it’s embarrassing. I understand why people have tough times venting to other people about their issues. It’s admitting you need help. It’s hard to admit you need help. Especially if you fear judgment or rejection like me. I don’t fear rejection or judgement on the creative side of things cause I think I’m the shit in that regard but everything else I’m terrified.
On the other side of help as far as giving help I’m usually hesitant to give it too because I’ve seen people receive the help they ask for and still tell the world nobody did shit for them. With a straight fucking face. I give you help you asked for and you don’t appreciate it I will literally distance myself from you to prevent me from putting my foot up yo ass. If I struggle and you watch me struggle. I get an idea to build this Polite shit and I got the idea while looking like Will Smith in Uncle Phil’s empty living room you expect me to help you and give you an opportunity? A piece of what I created? I’ll give help to somebody who I see actually working hard and not asking for handouts. I’m with it all day. But just giving you help with something I know you can do yourself you’re just not doing shit? Nah fam. People who think like that are the main niggas on social media crying bout support. What happens if I give you an opportunity and you fuck it up? You expect me to give you another opportunity? Niggas want you to be loyal to everything but common sense. I promise you.
Everything in my life was overwhelming. Asking for help is overwhelming for me. It’s something on this new journey that I’m traveling that I seek to improve. Not going to lie and say I’m better at it now. I just avoided help yesterday. This time I wrote down why I avoided the help. It had to do more with vulnerability and it’s the side of vulnerability I’ve always avoided and never tapped into.
That’s all I wanted to talk to y’all about though. A nigga learning. Just be patient with me I always figure it out.
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