THE SADS NOT HERE BUT THE HAPPY AIN'T HITTIN
You ever have that feeling where you’re not sad but you’re not happy? You’re not depressed but you’re not excited and thirsting for life either? You’re grateful for everything you have and experienced in your life but you look at things kind of like “who cares?” It’s like you’re empty. Joy or pain doesn’t really have a hold on you at all. You could chill in a burning house and not give less of a fuck. You could have a week off and do whatever relaxes you and not feel any way about it. You’re just here.
I felt like that late last week and I took a guess and assumed it was stress because I do a LOT daily. I make a lot of decisions daily and making decisions can be really draining especially if it involves other people or if there’s money involved. Everyday feels like this cause I do so much. I don’t feel the need to explain how much or what I do daily so I’ll spare you from that but I just told myself that I was stressed and I wasn’t sleeping well and don’t worry a switch will flip and I’ll start to have feelings again.
I guess I was waiting for some motivation or excitement. Usually I’d go out of town somewhere for a week and recharge but the older you get the more that doesn’t work anymore. You start to think more long term as you get older. I look at that like yeah I could go to the beach and drink mojitos with my friends but what’s going to happen when I return home? I’m going to be rejuvenated for a week then the feeling of nothingness will return and the same schedule of events will happen. Sleep, work, friends/social life, me time, sleep, repeat.
I promise I’m not being pessimistic I’m just wanting to figure out what’s going on and not play around with situations like this. This lack of interest in anything was really fucking with me. It feels like I’m in this continuous boot loop and it just keeps happening over and over again and everyday it feels like the day has just wasted away. I was like damn how did this happen? There wasn’t any traumatic experience recently. There wasn’t anything that hurt my feelings recently. I have good friends. The fuck is going on?
I think I figured it out. I haven’t felt a challenge.
It’s not because the challenges haven’t been there it’s because I’ve been avoiding them with this nonchalant attitude I have. For example I’ve put off writing a book for the 100th time. Why? The talent is there. The message is there but I don’t give a fuck about writing one. Why?
It’s because I hoard activities and I hoard busy work. I’m always busy. I’m talking real life busy so my excuse for not writing one is because I have so many things to do daily and that gives me feeling of I don’t need to write a book because my life will not allow me to. The busy work turned into stress even though majority of it is me having fun looking gorgeous creating content and from that it’s created this feeling of nothingness.
The busy work is an excuse out of fear. I’m afraid of something and what I’m truly afraid of is the book is exactly what I was place here to do. The thought of that frightens me. I don’t care about how much money I make, or how many supporters I have worldwide for my writing or the impact it will have. It scares me. This is the side of finding out what your passion is nobody talks about. Finding out what your passion is so heavy because what if you feel that passion is bigger than yourself or what you can handle? My anxiety feels like it’s off a perc every time I think about it.
When you discover the things in your life that our meaningful you may feel anxious on the thought of living up to the expectations you place on yourself of keeping those meaningful in your life. It’s normal to have that fear of if you get involved the meaningful things in your life may lose meaning because you care for them. It’s because we’ve been programmed to look for outside forces to give our day to day life purpose. Since pre school the hours of 7am to 5pm have been filled with activities somebody have scheduled for us. This happens all our lives. From preschool to being an adult working a job. You get maybe 3-4 vacations out of 365 days so basically a month out of the year you’re away from the schedule someone else has set for you. It’s not healthy. A month out a year isn’t anything.
This is why when the pandemic happened and lockdown was active no one knew what to do. They were so used to that 7am to 5pm time slot being filled by someone else that when the responsibility was there’s they were like a deer in headlights. That’s why no one knew how to save money. No one knew how to eat healthy or lose weight. No one knew how really build anything. Everyone was stuck and confused.
Back to the feeling of not being happy or sad. I’ve figured it out for myself. Mine is predicated on scheduling and understanding I don’t have to do 50 things at once so I can have a feeling of importance. Happiness is not about having everything I want. Happiness is about letting go of everything I don’t need. The reason the sadness isn’t there is because I’ve played it safe. I removed any stakes from the equation with busy work that I’ve created and grown accustomed to. So that created that feeling of just existing in the middle.
It’s okay to put everything to the side and put all my focus into one project at a time. Take away this unrealistic expectation that I’ve created in my mind that people expect me to give them content every week. It was like a disease. I didn’t know how to relax. I’d feel bad and go create something then regret not relaxing that day, refueling, and resetting my mind.
The feeling of being neutral between happiness and sadness is normal. That is a struggle as well. If you don’t feel like doing the things you enjoy it’s normal. There are plenty of things you can do in the mean time that can help you. First is your health. That will always be the first step. So check your diet and what you drink and eat. Exercise. You can have a real conversation with friends. You can listen to music that you’ve never heard but always wanted to listen to. I personally love making playlists. You can set a small goal that you feel you could accomplish and won’t make you overexert yourself.
I know that you feel like “Whatever” but it ain’t forever. Just take a step in any direction and live life.
Peace
Benny
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