Benny

5 MOVIES FROM CHILDHOOD THAT'S WEAK AS FUCK BUT I WATCH ANYWAY

Benny
5 MOVIES FROM CHILDHOOD THAT'S WEAK AS FUCK BUT I WATCH ANYWAY

 

I'm sure everyone has those movies that they know deep down are really terrible but whenever they see them on a movie channel they can't help but watch them. It's like your brain is telling you this is your childhood/Teen years and you have no choice but to watch them. You may have even owned them from your childhood and you watch them as an adult and think "Damn why is this shit so lame but I can't stop watching this shit?" It works the same for cartoons, and old sitcoms too. There are 5 movies that are really lame as fuck but because of nostalgia I'll forever fuck with. 


TIGERHEART

TigerHeart.jpg

As a kid in my era all you really cared about was pop tarts, cartoons, Jordan, Tupac, wrestling, and most importantly karate. For some reason when I was little, kicking mothafuckas or seeing other people kick mothafuckas was fascinating. Here we have Tigerheart. Basically it's a movie about a kid with what I think is a mullet on his head that uses his exceptional karate skills to try and stop this evil business man from illegally kicking people off their property, tearing it down, and create mini malls in it's place and shit. I watched this shit a couple weeks ago and I have watched it 3 times since then. Why? I have no fucking clue but It's just something I have to watch. The acting is awful. The plot is dumb. The humor is cheesy. The love interest was terrible, but do you wanna know the most fascinating shit? This kid was whooping everybody ass with his shirt tucked in his pants and not ONCE did it come untucked. I'm not a tough guy but I'd be damn if a kid beat my ass and his shirt doesn't come untucked. Now that I think about it I'm not letting someone beat my ass with they shirt tucked in they pants period. 


MORTAL KOMBAT

Another movie about people kicking other people. Mortal Kombat in the 90's was literally a phenomenon that just fell out of the sky. One day I was at the skating rink eating a basket of french fries with a Aladdin shirt on cause Aladdin was the shit and I see a crowd around a arcade. I go over to see what's up and basically I see somebody get their head ripped from their body. Instantly I had the heart eye emoji face. Few years later the movie was released and it sucked, but did I give a fuck? NOPE! I wanted to see the fighters stop the evil fuck boy known Shang Tsung. The only thing good about that movie was the fact that Veronica Vaughn was in it (Veronica Vaughn is a hot piece of ACE!), and Liu Kang did the bicycle kick. A move that's been poorly imitated by children on playgrounds worldwide. Anyway, it was on Netflix for a couple months and I would watch it a lot and just think why is this so bad yet so great! Add the sequel to the list too. It was worse but I'll watch that shit no matter what. 


CHILD'S PLAY

I have to put a horror movie on the list. This shit not really scary I mean it's a little ass doll who was a true scumbag. Only horror movies that scared me was movies about the supernatural like The Ring and anything with Michael Myers. He was a knife swinging psychopath in a dickies jumpsuit and dirty boots. NIGGA IM RUNNING! Child's Play is really bad from the standpoint that grown ass people are getting overpowered by a damn doll. Nobody ever sees this walking doll walking around and shit. HOW CAN YOU NOT NOTICE A WALKING DOLL? In one of the scenes where Andy is put in the mental home, Chucky is just casually climbing up the fire escape stairs. Nobody sees anything of course. It's ridiculous but I love this movie man! The fact it takes 3 adults and a child to take down 1 doll is just down right hilarious. A true classic. 


SHOWGIRLS

I know what you're thinking. Why? I forgot to include 1 more thing that kids (young boys) in my era cared about and that's titties. All we wanted to see was titties. If you had a cable back then you had 3 movie channels. HBO, Cinemax, Showtime. You wasn't real if you didn't sneak and watch the late night soft core porno movies on those channels with your finger on the back button on the remote just in case someone was coming. It was like some secret agent shit. The mission was to see nudity. I came across Showgirls on accident. I just seen nakedness and what you think a kid is going to do? Turn the channel? WRONG! I watched that movie straight through with my finger on the remote just in case my parents would attempt a infiltration job.

I immediately noticed it was the girl from Saved By The Bell and as a kid I thought to myself "Wow Jessie butt naked, and her booty is as flat as my hand." As a kid I wasn't tripping off if the movie made sense or not I was focused on Gina Gershon nakedness. Gina Gershon is top shelf white woman ladies and gentlemen. I'd smash her TODAY that's how top shelf she is at age 53.

 Jessie is so excited! 

Jessie is so excited! 

As an adult watching Showgirls it's impossible to not see that it's possibly one of the worse movies ever made. The fact that it's Jessie that plays Nomi and not Kelly Kapowski the movie was doomed from the fucking start. We all know Jessie was the least favorite out of the chicks on Saved By The Bell, hell even Leah Remini character was higher than Jessie on my list. Over acting was real in this movie. Nomi would dramatically hit shit, throw shit, say stupid shit, yell at random moments, and do shitty dancing. The plot was a huge cluster fuck, basically it's about a whore who goes to a city that's full of professional whores and does whore activities but doesn't want to be called a whore. Confusing right? It's just very bad but I think we all know what's the worse part of this film and that's when Nomi has sex with the Stardust entertainment director who has the emo haircut in his fancy pool. As a kid you don't know what good sex is you're just happy she naked, but when you're grown and you know sex with any water involved (Pool, Shower, etc) is very overrated and see Nomi splashing in the water like Magikarp in Pokemon you have to know there's no way this is enjoyable. Easily the worse sex scene in movie history. 

I just shitted all over this movie and I STILL will watch this shit over and over. Today it's considered a cult classic which is crazy. No matter how dumb it is I just can't turn away when I see it. I think everyone who's seen it agrees. 


THE PLAYERS CLUB

Well since we're on the topic of strippers we should just stay consistent right? I seen this for the first time at the drive thru theatre when we had one in St.Louis. My uncles took me and my cousins to see it by default cause they wanted to see it and they were babysitting us so they had no choice but to bring us. My uncle told me to close my eyes whenever someone was naked and in my mind I'm like "Nigga What? It's Lisa Raye! I ain't closing shit!" This movie a classic to me with quotes for days but I know deep down it's weak as fuck. The fact that your aunt knows you're a single mother, stripper, college student and sends her young & impressionable daughter to live with you so you can look after her is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I love Lisa Raye but her acting is hard to take seriously. Ice Cube airs out the strip club in one scene and doesn't get locked up for attempted murder. Charlie Murphy destroys a club with a rocket launcher, Wait who am I kidding, that part was DOPE! In reality he'd easily be doing life in prison for that terrorist act. The movie sucks but is good with me. 


Honorable Mentions

Surf Ninjas, House Party 3, Ninja Turtles 3, American Pie, and Damn near all of Jean Claude Van Damme movies.