14 EX'S YOU DONT WANNA BE

I don't hate my exes. I don't like them either. Glad you're alive ladies. The end. 

They've all done fuck shit. I've gotten over it. No grudges. Better memories are ahead. 

I'm sure the some people reading this DESPISE their exes but what if you're a terrible ex and you have no clue? 

Well if any of these are you then I recommend you change. 

Exes you don't wanna be. 

THE SUDDENLY PHILOSOPHICAL EX

I've done it. You've done it. We all done it. When we're hurt we turn into Socrates or Dalai Lama. NIGGA YOU ARE HURT! GETCHO ASS OFF SOCIAL MEDIA WITH THIS PHILOSOPHICAL SHIT! 

It comes from a hurt place and you don't really believe what you're saying at the moment thus making it all bullshit. 

It's best to just read the positive shit to yourself and just heal. Focus on healing. It hurts. I know. I've been there. The worse thing i did was turn to going out night after night when I should've sat my ass down.

Find a loved one that doesn't mind you venting about your break up and just get it off your chest. 

THE "I'M HAPPY" EX 

No. You're not. 

Again. You're hurt. It's okay. it's normal. Don't be that ex trying to throw this fake happiness in everyone's face. No one is buying it. 

No matter how many tweets you tweet. No matter how many snaps you snap. No matter how many statuses you make. No matter how many instagram captions you write. No matter how many pics and videos you post that won't make it hurt any less. In the words of Henry Hill on "Goodfellas" you gotta just sit and take it. 

You're crushed. You've wasted time. You thought that this person was the one and it's over.

It's okay to be sad. Which leads me to something similar. 

THE "EVERY SECOND MY NEW BAE IS THE SHIT" EX

Okay you've gotten dumped. Instead of embracing your newfound alone time you immediately jump into a new relationship after lets say a month and you flaunt this new relationship as much as possible. This person is your entire world after a month. You hear wedding bells just cause you posted a photo together on social media. You're not fooling nobody but yourself. The more you show off the rebound the more it shows me you miss what you had with your ex. 

If he or she still talks about their ex positively or negatively then sorry Mr or Miss Rebound He or She isn't over their ex.

Love is complex as fuck and there's no fucking way you're over your ex after a month or two and are truly happy. You don't get over years with one person then just click off those feelings like a light switch. Don't matter if you're the dumper or dumpee. If you're over it then you're a sociopath, were cheating, or the next ex on this list of mine...... 

THE "I'M TRYING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS" EX

This is all the rebound is for. If you're a rebound my advice to you is just enjoy the sex, free meals, netflix/hulu account, shoot your shot at other people on the low, and have your exit strategy prepared cause the person you're with still wants their ex and you're just a pawn in all of this. What you both have is a sham and you will separate. 

This ex is awful because they're bringing other people's feelings into their bullshit. This never works. 

Remember that movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall?" The guy went to Hawaii miserable as fuck and ran into his ex Sarah and her new boyfriend there and he felt even worse. He actually clicked with a girl he liked there and all those feelings he had disappeared. Why? It was because he was organically having a good time with this new girl (Mila Kunis). 

He wasn't trying to make Sarah jealous. He was just having a good time. Sarah sees this and tries to make him jealous and he doesn't care. Trying to make people jealous never works. Your best option is to just do you. Watch what happens when you just do you. You'll be pleasantly surprised. 

THE "HANG WITH ALL YOUR FAM & FRIENDS" EX 

This is the ex I fucking dislike the most. Hands the fuck down. I fucking despise ex's like this. 

Look, we're done. Translation. You're done with my family and friends too. It's a respect thing. I'm not saying hate your ex's family and friends and treat them like shit when you see them but the hanging out and constantly reaching out shit is so disrespectful to me.

It's not about hanging out it's about your ex being immature, annoying, and trying to get your attention. They're hurt, crazy, and unstable. 

You had family and friends before the relationship go hang with them. 

Nothing worse than trying to go out with your family and friends and your ex is going to be there so you cancel your plans and stay home. You're trying to move on and they're making it difficult. 

Family members make this tough too because they may want you to be with that person. Well guess what? You won't ever be together. It's over. Deal with it. Stop inviting them to shit. It's disrespectful and shows you're not considering your family members feelings. Ask first to see if it's okay. 

THE "I'M BACK BUT IM NOT BACK" EX 

Okay this one is a complex unstable creature.

Y'all breakup. Naturally both of you test the dating waters. It's not working out for either of you. The grass may not be greener. 

What happens next is that your brain goes back to what it knows best and is most familiar with. Each other. 

This will lead to some great "I've missed you" sex. I'm talking both of you are fucking and performing like it's Game 7 for the championship. 

After it's over the question is "Where do we go from here?"

No fucking where. That's where. One of you just want to fuck and wanted company the other person is thinking that the relationship is about to be back on and this won't be communicated clearly which will lead to an inevitable fight down the road where the outcome will be that you will flat out hate each other. 

Before you could see each other and be cordial but after the fight and realization that it was just sex, everything will change. 

One of you are only around until you find a better person to be with.

As the dumpee, If you want to fuck your ex you have to approach with a "Friends with benefits" mindset unless you want your heart crushed again. Better yet, just don't do it. 

THE "DRUNK TEXT" EX

Okay this was me. A lot. After a breakup the one thing that I learned was to avoid alcohol at all costs. Alcohol makes you very emotional. Next thing you know it's 1:37am and you're lonely so you sending paragraphs to your ex. 

You wake up hungover and realize you're a fucking idiot and your ex kills your soul with either a 1 to 5 word text reply or a paragraph reply of how they don't want you no more. 

Just. Dont. Do. It. You shouldn't even have your ex number in your phone anymore anyway. Erase that shit. You have to erase everything. They don't exist. It's the realest detox you can do. You have to pretend you've never met or they're dead. 

Just smoke marijuana instead of sending "I'm Thinking Of You" text while you're wasted. Just live life and I'll bet any money your ex will contact you. It's how it always works. 

THE "TALK ABOUT YOUR "EX NEW PARTNER" EX

This was something I never did with none of my exes. I NEVER talk about their new partner. No matter if I was on good or bad terms with them. I view that as a sign of weakness. I don't give a fuck about who they're with currently. It's none of my business. 

Deep down your ex wants you to talk shit about their new partner. It'll make them feel like they made the right decision. They'll never admit that but it's the truth. Just keep your thoughts to yourself. Shit, don't even think about it. 

Don't be this hating muhfucka. It's apart of the game. They chose someone else. Take the L and keep it moving. Stop stalking their social media pages. Stop wondering what they see in their new partner. It doesn't matter if you look better than their new partner it's not about looks. It's about how you make someone feel. 

You ever hear people talk about their ex's and say their ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend is ugly? I just think to myself, WELL THEY CUFFED THAT UGLY MUHFUCKA AND LEFT YO WEAK ASS SO WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU?!!!

THE "CREATE A FAKE SOCIAL MEDIA PROFILE TO STALK" EX

You have too much time on your hands bitch. That is all. 

 

THE "I LEFT ________ AT YOUR CRIB" EX 

The "I left my  number 2 pencil, my safety pin, and my 1 peanut m&m at your crib" ex. C'mon. Cut it out. It's over. You don't need the shit you asking to come get. Keep your nosey hurt ass right where you are. 

THE "ARE YOU OKAY IM JUST CHECKING ON YOU" EX

NO BITCH! IM NOT OKAY! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART YOU EVIL SOULLESS PIECE OF SHIT! GO DRINK BLEACH! 

This shit is so disrespectful to me. Unless it's a severe life or death situation do not do this shit with your ex. News flash. They're going through heartbreak. They're not okay and you already know that. You're just being a dickhead at this point. Move on. 

THE "SUBLIMINAL" EX 

We know who your snaps, Facebook posts, memes, I.G captions, tweets are about. You might as well say his or her name. Let the hurt go. 

To anyone going through a breakup just get the fuck off social media for a while. Don't post shit. Just go get you right emotionally and mentally. Trust me this is the best option for you. Not subliminal words towards your ex. 

THE REMINISCING EX

I like memories and all but the universe had other ideas. We just didn't work. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER. 

The memories isn't going to get your ex to come back in your life. People watch too many fucking movies. It's not happening. Yes, a certain Netflix show you used to binge watch with your ex may make you smile or frown but texting them about it is fucking pointless. Waste of time.  

THE "I'M GOING TO GET MY GUY/GIRL BACK" EX 

So you watched some movies and think you can pop up at my crib unannounced with gifts and a poem you googled. Well that movie bout to help you get yo dumbass shot. Don't ever come to my residence unannounced. 

If you text your ex to let them know you want to talk you're wasting your time. Their mind was made up probably months before the breakup. They just finally went through with it. You can sing in the rain like Ray J or dance in the rain like Omarion they're not coming back. Don't let these movies, tv shows, and books fool you. 

Don't get your ex back. Get yourself back because it's YOU that you've lost. How you treat yourself is key after a breakup not a plan to get a person who dumped you back. 

I've said this already. If you want your ex back the best thing you can do is just live your life. Seriously just move on. If it was meant to be it will. If you try to force it you're going to get the opposite of what you looking for. 

Try and stop your ex from catching their flight at the airport just so you can say what you feel just cause you seen it in a movie watch how quick you'll catch them hands physically or figuratively. 

Be the best ex. The ex that moves on.