I THOUGHT WE GEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT TO SEE FOREEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRR BUT FOREEEEVER'S GONE AWAY. IT'S SO HAAAAAAARD TO SAY GOODBYYYYYYE TO YESTERDAAAAAY.
As a Wanya Morris head ass nigga, I am truly broken as fuck. The finale to Insecure season 1 is here. I wanna cry by my door like Issa in the previous episode but I gotta keep it G.
Couple months ago I saw the podcast "Insecuritea" get announced (Incredible podcast by the way) and thought to myself "I could do what they do." I didn't want to bite their style so I used my blog as my platform and things just took off from there. Much love to Crissle and Franny.
A HUGE thank you to Yvonne Orji. She showed my work so much love and then everyone (outside of my friends) followed suit and showed me love too. Week after week she supported so I owe her tacos or something I'm sure. Yvonne is a blessing.
Thank you everyone. Okay. Let's begin.
EVERYBODY HATES ISSA
Chris Rock ain't got shit on her tonight.
Issa seems to be one of those types that forgives easily so she thinks everyone else is that way. It's only been three days and she blowing his line up and popping up at his job like her old nigga Daniel. The nigga with the face that can bench press 500 pounds or better.
Your man just found out you just fucked someone else, that nigga hates your guts. He needs at least a week and a half before he wants to talk.
Molly is the next stop on the "Please forgive Issa" tour. Issa's clutch "Bitch You Still Mad" doesn't work this time during a phone conversation. Molly not having that shit because her feelings are hurt. The phone conversation is very cringeworthy and Issa just doesn't understand that nobody wants to talk to her. She needs to give everyone space.
Issa, Molly, Tiffany, and Kelli head up to Malibu to celebrate Kelli's birthday and the tension between Issa and Molly is thicker than a short haired 42 year old single momma named Pam.
At a club the game "We Did Say" is on and poppin. Molly is acting extra and more outgoing because Issa is there and she knows it would make Issa uncomfortable. So Molly out twerking on niggas like it's 1997 and grabbing dicks like Money Mike in "Friday After Next."
Something bothered me about the club scene. The greatest Negro Spiritual ever created "Wipe Me Down" by Boosie, Foxx, and Webbie comes on and Issa and Molly don't make up.
Nigga. There is no song that can bring niggas together like "Wipe Me Down." A nigga could fuck my girl and I see him in the club while "Wipe Me Down" comes on and we'll scream and rap "GAS TANK ON E BUT ALL DRINKS ON ME!" in unison like we in The Mississippi Mass Choir.
Molly giving no fucks sucking the soul out of a college kid face and then took that young boy home. Poor kid. Worried about his Tidal subscription. Naive child. You need to be subscribed to that ass on Molly. That kid had to have nutted in 2-3 minutes the way she was riding the life out that boy.
BACK OUT HERE
Ahhh my nigga Lawrence. Smoking the finest cali kush on the balcony with his homie Chad. He's already off to a good start. Chad knows Lawrence is a nice guy. A R&B singing all his feelings type nigga as he would say. Which is true but Lawrence shocks Chad and says he wants to go to the club. Yes Lawrence. It's time.
Finally I see ass. Not man ass but ASS! Lawrence in the skrip club with his homies and they're having the saddest conversation I ever heard.
Lawrence is nothing like his friends. Their views on women are fucked up and 2 of them are married which makes it even funnier. Saying women not having fathers the reason why they can't maintain relationships. Making fun of women leaving relationships if they're not happy. Calling them "never happy" bitches. A lot of men don't have daddies either sooooooo why aren't they sharing the blame of not maintaining relationships? This scene was funny.
Lawrence chimes in like he wasn't a bum ass 7/11 redbox unemployed couch potato ass nigga. Issa had every right to be on his back about everything so he has no right to complain about anything that happened before he got that best buy job.
You find out Lawrence is not about that life when he goes to the private room with a stripper. If you tell a stripper "My bad" and think that stripper pussy is free then you do not belong in the strip club. It was the classic case of not crawling before you walk. Go back out there and get lapdances bro.
After realizing the nightlife isn't for him and pussy is the price of a car note he calls Issa. This is a very touching scene because he tells her he misses her but in the convo he doesn't say much.
You see a man that is confused and he knows she's right for him but he knows deep down he wants some space. It's 1am and he's lonely. He's not used to this single lifestyle yet so calling Issa is his brain making him do what's familiar. She is all he knows. She tells him that she won't be back until Monday and he can sleep at the apartment instead of on Chad's couch.
You ever watch the animal planet channel and see a pack of Hyena's fuck up a Zebra? Molly was a Zebra in this scene. Molly got the life flamed out of her by Tiffany and Kelli and it was waaaaaay more brutal than what Issa told her at the fundraiser.
Everything Issa said to Molly was repeated to her and you really just feel sorry for Molly in this scene she just looked so defenseless because what Tiffany and Kelli was saying was true and she knew it. Molly had a look on her face like "Damn, yall too?"
Issa being a ride or die bitch comes to Molly's rescue despite Molly treating her like shit the whole trip and drags THEE FUCK out of Kelli and Tiffany. She just unloads the "BITCH I KNOW YOU AIN'T TALKIN!" clip on both of them.
Tiffany in a act of desperation lets everyone know Lawrence broke up with Issa and everyone is shocked. Molly finally talks to Issa.
Issa gets the call from Lawrence and immediately wants to head back to L.A. Molly drives her back and they patch things up on the ride home.
GOD IS REAL
Issa comes to the apartment. Sees Lawrence's set of keys. She smiles. Probably thinking "My baby is back."
She heads to the bedroom. No sign of Lawrence anywhere. She looks in the closet and sees all of Lawrence's clothes are gone. All that is left in the closet is a lonely ass best buy shirt. That best buy shirt was looking lonelier than R.Kelly in the "When A Woman's Fed Up" music video.
Then at that moment god got involved.
God spoke to me. He said "Benny my child. I know you just stole your cousins stash of banana pudding Thursday and blamed it on your other cousin. I saw that but I forgive you for your sins. Fret not my son for I am going to give you the greatest gift you've ever received since your Sega Genesis on Christmas in 1992. Come towards the light my child. Heaven awaits.
I looked up, I dropped my ice cream sandwich on the floor, and there they were. 8 weeks later and I have finally made it to the promiseland. I walked through the heavens gates like ....
Tasha's titties have arrived.
They were pierced too. Not a fan of pierced titties forreal but who gives a fuck! I waited 8 weeks for this. No time to be a picky nigga. Lawrence, welcome to the dark side my nigga. You've transformed into evil Kermit.
This will probably go down as the 3rd happiest moment in my life. Right behind my future child and future marriage. I saw those titties and wanted to hold them and cry like Micheal Jordan held the NBA championship in 1991 after he defeated the Los Angeles Lakers.
Yes. Just like that.
I'm not even a titty guy believe it or not. I love lips and legs but when you see a nice set you just have to give those titties their proper praise. It's the 11th commandment. Thou shall worship those titties.
When you see a beautiful sunset you just have to say "Damn, the sky got it's titties out." The word titties just makes everything 10x better too. Word to my bro John.
Someone may need to call the Guinness book of world records because I think I rewinded my DVR more than any human on earth in under 10 minutes when Tasha had that ass up in the air like a 64 Impala in a vintage Death Row music video.
I have no fucking clue what happened after that scene. My DVR is still on pause with Tasha's ass in the air. It's as beautiful as the moonlight on a Spring night. I may keep it on pause forever. God had a blessing with my name on it tonight and I shall be grateful.
Thank you Insecure Season 1. Thank you Tasha. I love you. No Seriously. I love you.