Ever since a couple near death experiences in my life I’ve had very bad anxiety issues. I don’t trust shit so I’m always looking over my shoulder. Always looking for shit to pop off. I’m always nervous and never relaxed for almost everything. It’s not as bad when I travel which I think is odd because that’s when you would think my anxiety would be through the roof since I’m someplace unfamiliar but I’m chill in those situations because most likely no one knows me. I always have this paranoia that someone on some foul shit when I’m at home. Never when I travel though.
Anxiety is one of the many factors of why it’s very difficult for me to concentrate. I have a bad attention span when it comes to sitting down and doing my work thus why I was an awful student. It takes a lot for me to sit down and write things. I have to overcome so much mentally just to finish one blog entry. It’s funny and sad when I think about it.
But there is a light at the end of the dark, cold tunnel that is anxiety. There’s actually benefits to my artistry that my anxiety provides.
FILTERING BULLSHIT PEOPLE
My radar is always up on people. I’ve never been wrong about someone’s character in my life. My anxiety has me so on edge that I have the ability to pinpoint if a person is full of shit before they even reach my circle and space. No one wastes my time anymore. I will see that shit coming miles away before it takes place. Actually I think everyone is bullshit until I’m proven wrong so my hopes and expectations are never high on people to begin with. I’m that piece of shit Tony Montana in the huge hot tub. “WHO DO I TRUST?! ME!!!! THAT’S WHO!!!” My anxiety will not allow a person to get close to me to waste my time or fuck me over. Guess that’s why I’m never in any drama and never fallout with my homies.
As I said before, I go through a lot just to write one entry because of my anxiety but if you follow me and you’re attentive then you’d probably ask yourself “How do you write so much then?” My anxiety is why I am able to write articles at such a high volume. I always had this nervousness from my anxiety and this voice in my head that would always say “Write, or they will forget you.” That voice and that sentence would ring off in my head like an alarm and I’d force myself to write. Now since coming off the longest layoff I’ve ever had it’s obvious I don’t give a fuck about being forgotten or not anymore. Now my anxiety is being in fear of not living up to the expectations that I set for myself. I feel kinda worthless when I don’t. I write only for me, myself, and I. It’s just the way it is. I just keep doing me. If people like what I write great. If they hate it, great. I do it for me in the end so that’s all that matters.
I’M A GOOD ASS FRIEND
With my anxiety I’m afraid of losing people I genuinely care about so I cherish my friendships more than the normal person would. I’m not overprotective because that’s the last thing you wanna be when it comes to other adults but I make sure to always be in my friends corner right or wrong.
AINT NO BITCH IN ME
I hate feeling like I’ve been punked or somebody played me like a hoe. It’s the ego in me. When my anxiety holds me back from making a move or going forward with a decision I have this strange ass internal battle with myself in which I push myself to go against my fear and anxiety. It’s like my anxiety is this weird form of motivation to me. Something in me is telling me “You gone bitch out like this dawg?” and of course I’m very prideful and do it just to prove to my anxiety that I ain’t a bitch and it’s not the only mothafucka making decisions on what Benny should and shouldn’t be doing. Everyone has a weird council full of different emotions inside their mind that makes decisions for them. Some deliberations for people are brief. Some are not.
THE POSITIVE OF OVERTHINKING
I don’t jump out the window on a lot of shit unless we’re in Brazil and there’s a chance we can visit a whore house. Of course I’m gonna go in the whore house without thinking. I mean, I wanna see what it looks like on the inside. We’re in Brazil, live a little. Outside of that when it comes to work I’m pretty calculated and think of every possible scenario that could happen when it comes to creative collaborations. Saves me a lot of time and stress. Anxiety treats everything like chess but never shows you the winning move just the failure or danger in the future and that’s it. I’ve learned to include the winning possibility. I overthink everything except ratchet activities. No need to think about that. It always ends with a smile on my face.
FALL BACK GAME ON HALL OF FAME
When you’re constantly anticipating some fakery and fuckery everyday you tend to fall back more than usual. I’m always sensing bad shit on the horizon and more than not I make the best decisions because of that. I’ll peep some shit and then my anxiety will make me go into default fall back mode and I avoid a lot of unnecessary shit because of it.
Disclaimer: I did not have a panic attack writing this.