I’m a single man. I’m not proud of it and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just the facts. I just don’t really care. It’s what I am.
But if you’re my age being single in the eyes of other people is the equivalent of being in one of those commercials about 3rd world countries. Pretty soon people are going to start giving me 30 cents a day for being single and ask me if I drink out of puddles in the street.
Apparently I’m suffering and I sit in my room and play nothing sad moody and depressing music like early Joe Budden mixtapes or Drake albums and watch Shawshank Redemption all day because I’m single.
Correction. I watch Goodfellas all day and listen to Jamiroquai. Thank you very much.
Look. I’m single and I’m okay and if you’re single then trust me you’re okay too. This is what’s going to happen today. I’m going to go through some of the myths of single-dom and see what’s what.
Do I get lonely like Janet in 99? Ehhhh yes and no. It’s more like in the 10 percentile. I’m so wrapped into writing I barely notice when loneliness comes. I actually embrace loneliness so it doesn’t bother me. I only get lonely when I eat a whole Extra Large Imos pizza because that’s some sad fat shit and I wouldn’t feel bad if I shared it with a special woman. That pizza cost 2 car notes too.
Sleeping alone isn’t hard either. Actually it’s FUCKING GREAT for me. I wake up with feeling in both of my arms because someone didn't sleep on em for 7 plus hours. I actually have covers. I can sleep with the fan on without hearing about some “I’m Anemic” bullshit. I don’t have to wait til a woman is sleep to devise a plan to escape so I can sleep comfortably. Sleep is quite fun for the kid right now.
YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIP GOALS
Actually all jokes aside. I don’t. My parents been married 33 years and what I’ve learned from them is that a relationship ain’t shit but 2 people who knows each other’s bullshit threshold very well and how to navigate around and through it. It’s all about being able to deal with our bullshit and our good qualities in harmony. Relationship goals you usually see in pictures is just normal shit. It's nothing impressive.
I wish people would get more creative with it. Give me a real relationship goal like my woman going off in a drive thru over the lack of bbq sauce and ranch in our bag. You know... something of value.
As far as liking or hating a relationship. I just don't be pressed for that shit. Anything I've ever forced in life never worked out for me in the end. I'm so fucking focused on my business right now. Like 2001 Jay-Z Blueprint focused. A woman gone have to jump in my life like a endless game of double dutch cause I'm not stopping.
I don't want that typical "You complete me bullshit." No one will ever complete me I'm already fucking complete and I pray the woman I'm with is complete too. We just gotta come together and be tag team champions. No seriously I want me and her to get championship belts made cause we're the shit.
I just sit back and laugh at myself when it comes to shit like this. Whether you're in a relationship or single you gotta be able to laugh at yourself and life and say Whatever happens, happens.
YOU HAVE MORE MONEY
Nigga no. I’m poor single. I’m poor in a relationship. Actually I save more money in relationships so that myth that relationships make you go broke doesn’t apply to me. I manage money very poorly alone because there’s no woman to cuss me out for spending money on dumb shit. I’m a impulse buyer. Walk in Target for deodorant and leave with a TV, 6 blu-rays, and a mountain bike.
YOU DON’T WANT/LIKE KIDS
This is a common myth. Single people without kids don’t like or want kids. When you get to be my age dating a single woman without any kids is SUPER rare. The last few women I’ve been involved with have kids. I love kids because I’m a big ass kid. They give me a reason to watch more cartoons, buy video games, and buy more snacks than usual. Plus I can teach kids the way of the fly. Teach em how great their Aunties Anita Baker and Sade are. It’s more to this than just your clothes and trap music little grasshopper.
I want kids someday. Kids teach you a lot about yourself. I’d be the greatest dad ever. I’d be Raymundo Rocket.
I’m a man so society doesn’t think anything is wrong with a man my age being single. They don’t trip off men being single until they’re like in their mid 50’s. Deadass. A woman can be 25 years old and single and she’s bat shit crazy in everyone’s eyes. If she in her 30’s and single? Niggas gone think that woman is Cybil mixed with KeKe Wyatt.
I am crazy though. In a intelligent way though. Not a harmful way. You have to be off base and a little crazy to write how I write.
YOU HATE VALENTINE’S DAY
I hate all holidays. They all cause me to spend a lot of money which is no fucking coincidence. Valentines Day is what it is. Give a gift. Get some ass. Go on with life. I don’t pay it any mind for real. It’s not meant for a man.
SEX ISN’T GUARANTEED
I wouldn’t know. I’m a Virgin. =)
YOU HATE DATING
Dating not as bad as single people make it out to be. They're just trash at reading people. They give people their time too easily. People be so thirsty for a relationship that they can’t see through a muhfucka who clearly pump faking so dating is a pain in the ass for them.
Dating doesn’t bother me. The Texting phase during dating fucking irks my soul. You can’t text and get to know someone. Let’s hang and see if the vibe right. Shit we can just sit in a car and play music and talk and I’d be satisfied. I just like face to face interaction over everything.
YOU’RE A FAP GOD
Single people have to fap all day apparently.
I have to have a very fucked up day in order for me to fap. I rarely have fucked up days cause writing makes my day pretty routine. I’m weird so this how I look at it. My day is going terrible and it’s not getting any better well I guess I gotta find my favorite booty talk volume or anything with Jasmine Cashmere in it and fap through it and live to fight another day.
A Fap God? No. Whatever’s under A Fap Pope I’ll fall in somewhere around there.
YOU HATE FAMILY GATHERINGS
Only weak ass single people dread Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc because of all the “Why you single?” questions arrive. Shit, I don’t hate family gatherings. I’m letting the choppa fly if I get asked some shit about why I’m single. These muhfuckas forgot we grew up together and I have no shame in bringing up their business since they all up in my business. I’m lighting that ass up in front of the family to the point you’re putting that foil on those "to go" plates earlier than you expected. Don’t play with me.
Don’t worry guys. I’m single and I’m hella good.