We getting fIy with our suit game on Upscale and I might be embarrassed on this review because I'm the most non dressing mothafucka walking planet earth. Sure I wanna look like Jidenna when I wear a suit. It’s a dream of mine! Have you seen Jidenna? If I ever brought a woman around him I’d mentally prepare myself for seeing her leave with him instead of me. He’s a walking aura. I’d understand her departure. I’d actually encourage it.
I kinda got off track there but the point I’m trying to make is that I always end up looking like a skinny ass penguin when I wear dress clothes.
Now, I didn’t have Prentice problem in my high school days. No dry humps for me. I was scoring! Prentice gotta hit Keisha with that Slim from The Wood type game and say some shit like ….
“You let that nigga Terry dry hump you! I know I look better than that nigga.”
In my teenage years the honey’s seen The Fubu and The Iceberg and I was in there automatically. Clothes were like cheat codes for me. It was just Tee’s, Jersey’s, Girbauds, Air Forces and you’re a pussy magnet. You didn’t have to try.
As I got older, I’d stick out like a sore thumb at events because I’d always dress casual. Basically I have the swag of a substitute teacher mixed with a fitness trainer when it comes to clothes. The grown ladies want the suits or at least the nice pants, shoes, and buttoned shirt with my chest out like I’m Tony Montana in Miami. So far I haven’t delivered the goods.
Luckily Prentice saves the day by visiting a hatter, tailor, and cobbler.
INDIANA JONES SWAGGER
Prentice shopping for the Temple Of Doom Hats.
Okay I have dreads and I have a big head. I’m gonna have to get one of those hats Homer Simpson wore when he was snitching on Apu from The Kwik E Mart. Simply put I may have to borrow my dad hats. My dad is Pharrell Williams if you didn’t know.
I want a hat made that makes me look like a beer baron and looks like I’ve been smuggling tasty hooch during the prohibition era but at the same time I’ll look like I rap the negro spiritual known as “March Madness.” Shoutout to Future. Free Bandz Gang.
We see all types of hats in this place. Hats like those weirdos in Clockwork Orange wear. LaFours from Mallrats type hats. Hats made out of beaver. Everything.
Prentice even wore some weird metal contraption that measures people’s heads for hats. I’m sorry I can’t trust that shit. Look like some shit out of those “Saw” movies. You gonna have to guess my size bruh bruh or I try shit on until something fits my big ass head like a New Era hat. Put that metal shit on me and I hear “Let’s play a game.”
No No No No No No No No No *In Creepy Claire Huxtable looking lady from "Get Out" Voice*
OFF THE RACK OR NAH?
As the great Nature Boy Ric Flair once said “I’M CUSTOM MADE FROM HEAD TO TOE!!!! WHOOOO!!!!!!” It’s time for Prentice to style and profile in a custom made suit. Tailor Gang! Word to Wiz Khalifa. I actually bought my first suit ever in life this year for my brother’s wedding and it was off the rack and not tailored and looked awful. It looked like those suits Stephon Urkel used to wear on Family Matters. My suit looked like Steve Harvey's when he was teaching Romeo and Bullethead in 1996.
The owner suit game was on levels I can’t describe and he had Bruce Wayne doors in his establishment. Trap doors is a different kind of luxury my friends. He gets Prentice fitted and prevents Prentice from getting a bold ass suit had to recommend a smoother and cooler color.
Now this part I was of the episode I was sad. I was sad because my government name is Justin. Benny is my nickname. Damn Fancy suit guy and Prentice. Why y’all hate me? I thought I was doing a public service? Why Justin gotta be the lame? Why Justin gotta be generic and on the rack? My feelings were hurt y’all but I kept watching as Prentice came back and got his suit and that suit was smoother than a Teddy Pendergrass mix and a bottle of cognac. I see ya playa!!
The shoes gotta be on point. They gotta shine like Jermaine Jackson's greasy skin so people see your shoes and say "SOMEBODY THROW SOME SAND ON THOSE OXFORDS!"
Prentice visits the Cobbler to learn about how shoes are restored and how to get his shoes shining like soul glo. JUST LET YOUR SOLE'S GLOW!!!
One thing I didn’t know is that Cobbler’s fix everything like that Uncle/O.G in your hood. They can fix sneakers, jackets, damn near anything with leather on it.
Only time I’ve seen a shoe polish chair is at the airport and it’s always businessmen getting their shoes polished. I’m a get my shoes shined one day so I can feel like a mobster.
REAL MEN GET FACIALS
The melanin gotta glow baby. God gave us this gift and we can’t take it for granted in these streets. Make sure this black excellence is well taken care of.
I’ve never gotten a professional facial but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. Prentice got the hook up and it looked relaxing especially the steam. I don’t care if I look like Stanley Ipkiss wearing a mask just as long as my skin comes out immaculate. Don’t sleep on cucumbers though. Put them on your skin and in your water and your face will be clearer than island ocean waves.
I take care of my skin and fellas there’s nothing better than a woman complimenting your skin. Trust me. The panty drawls are basically yours after that.
Prentice had everything custom made and went to the club like he on the way to the Kentucky Derby ya feel me? Had that Frank Lucas American Gangster swag. My man. *Denzel voice*
It's time to stop living off the rack and boss my life up.