Spoilers in this bitch so if you haven’t seen it yet don’t read this shit. 

Saw this movie for free cause I’m that nigga. 

Saw this movie wavy off Remy cause I’m that nigga. 

My favorite horror movie character and the all time leader in on screen kills in horror movie history is back to catch more bodies than a gymnastics teacher and I couldn’t have been more excited. 

Aight. Halloween 2018 review. 

The beginning of the movie you see two nosey ass white people doing what they’re best at which is fucking with shit they ain’t got no business fucking with. It’s already bad enough they turn anything and everything into casserole. Going to a mental hospital to tease a serial killer by flaunting his beloved mask in front of him is proof that white people are forever bored and their white privilege is a superpower to them. I liked this scene because when they take the mask out all the mental patients outside with Michael start going crazy and you start to feel Michael’s murderous intent along with the patients. They gave Michael Myers a George Clooney haircut too. Showing off his grey hair. The intro to the movie was dope. No complaints from me. 

The two nosey white people aren’t done. They go to visit the legendary Laurie Strode and paid $3000 to do so. You know how many baskets of fries I could’ve bought for $3000? They paid $3000 to not mind their mothafucking business and it got them nowhere cause Laurie was not having that shit. Why in the fuck would they want to bring up a traumatic experience for the sake of their podcast. Just talk about good pussy on your podcast like I do. 

I think I start to get drunk at this point cause my memory feeling real foggy but we see that in this movie we have 3 generations of Strode women. You have Laurie the grandmother. Laurie’s daughter Karen and Laurie’s granddaughter Allyson. I thought this dynamic was really dope and showcased Laurie’s trauma even more. This woman was preparing for her brother to return for 40 years and everybody thought she was crazy. Only her granddaughter wanted her around which I understand because Karen resented Laurie for raising her like a mothafuckin soldier. The husband Ray is just there and the whole time I’m just thinking “Poor old ass white man. You bout to be deader than a bitch.” You know people who not main characters not surviving shit. Just ask to see as many titties as possible before you go Ray. 

Michael is being transferred to another mental prison and of course the bus crashes because Michael Myers is a bad bitch. You knew shit was real at this point cause he snapped a little boy neck for not minding his business which in the Halloween franchise is uncommon because Michael usually don’t kill kids but today he had time cuz. Michael stole the car and guess where he going? To retrieve his mask like me retrieving tacos and margaritas on a Tuesday night. It’s inevitable. 

Michael finds the two nosey white people at a gas station and continues his Goldeneye N64 “Most Deadly” performance by killing everything moving. First of all this bitch using a gas station bathroom that looks like it ain’t been cleaned since the beginning of the civil rights movement means her coochie is to not be tampered with like toxic waste. Michael comes in dropping teeth like the tooth fairy and proceeds to give this bitch what she been asking for the whole movie which is death. Her boyfriend comes in hitting Michael with a crowbar but this is Michael Myers. Ain’t no crowbar stopping him you need Goku and Vegeta from Dragonball Z to stop this nigga. Michael starts bouncing this man head off the wall like a basketball and then chokes out his girlfriend with the hazardous pussy. I was very pleased at this scene I must say. 

Michael walks into Haddonfield killing random people like a walk in the park. When he killed the soccer mom for no reason in her living room that was some crazy shit. That was probably the most gruesome kill in the whole movie. He beat the shit outta a lady with a hammer which I was upset about because they didn’t show it. I didn’t come to use my imagination. I came to get drunk and see a old bitch get killed with a hammer. The fuck was they thinking?

Now we have the legendary babysitting scene. As in every Halloween movie there is a babysitting scene and it always ends bad. In this scene we meet Julian the young black king and I told myself immediately “If yall kill this King like yall did that little white boy then somebody getting they ass beat and I’m pouring my Remy on their back.” Julian stole the whole movie. Funniest mothaafucka on the planet. Wouldn’t be surprised if we see him in more movies and shows in the future. But back to Michael killing hoes. Michael knew not to touch the young black king so he didn’t but the babysitter got that stabbed up and Julian grabbed the title of smartest human in a horror movie by not asking no mothafucking questions and ran the fuck outta that house. The boyfriend wanna play hero and shit and got hung on the wall like museum art. Again these weirdos didn’t show how he was killed. They got this boy hanging on the wall like shelf and they didn’t show Michael doing it? Terrible decision. The director gotta show that. 

Allyson went to her school dance but left after dealing with her weird ass boyfriend and ends up hanging with her friend Oscar. Oscar shot his shot. Got turned down. Ruined a friendship then got killed by Michael Myers. Oscar’s night was pretty awful I must say. They didn’t show Oscar get killed either and at that point I was kinda over the movie. It could’ve been some legendary shit but they held back on these kills. Allyson sees Oscar head impaled on the fence and runs to a house in the neighborhood and gets picked up by the police. 

This is where the movie loses me. So they find Michael walking around the neighborhood like he owns that bitch and hits him with the truck. The Doctor from the mental hospital kills the police officer and turns insane. I’m gonna assume that all the years of babysitting a mute Michael Myers in the hospital drove him insane and made him obsessed with why Michael killed his family for no reason. Awful plot twist. Wasn’t needed. He puts Michael in the back of the truck with Allyson and of course Michael wakes up and kills him by A-Town stomping on his head and Allyson runs in the woods. 

Now we’ve reached the showdown/climax. Laurie been preparing for this moment for 40 years. This bitch house is a fortress. She got more guns Desperado’s guitar case. Im thinking “Okay time to fuck some shit up.” It was just okay. Michael didn’t really do much. I felt like they dropped the ball on this one. I wanted Laurie and Michael to go to war but they really only engaged with each other twice. It was very anti-climatic and I felt like the audience deserved more. 

The 3 Strode Women get the best of Michael and trap him in the secret basement and set the house on fire which is revealed to be Laurie’s plan all along. Michael was standing still on the steps staring at his family as the fire erupts around him. No attempt to escape. Just standing and staring. This was the scariest moment of the movie. It was like he was sending a message like “You bitches think this is it?” It was a chilling moment. 

The 3 Strode Women hitchhike on the back of a truck and ride off and the movie ends. 

Halloween 2018 is a fun experience. Definitely a movie you wanna see with friends or a date but the movie itself was average/decent. Definitely better than almost all the horror films the past decade. It’s entertaining. The off screen kills kinda disappointed me. Characters doing dumb irrational shit in horror movies as expected. Laurie leaving the basement where all the guns were to look for Michael in the dark was dumb. Turning all the lights off in the house was dumb. Using a shotgun in small rooms close proximity with Michael was dumb. I’m like damn bitch all this training you did and you still this reckless? They literally were giving Michael the advantage but without that dumb shit there is no movie so it is what it is. 

3 outta 5 fruit snacks from me.