It’s Scorpio Season. The G.O.A.T’s have arrived. Halloween is next week and I don’t think I ever did a Halloween post outside of reviews so here’s if zodiac signs were horror movies.
ARIES = NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Freddy’s advantage in his films is that he’s able to kill people in their dreams and in their dreams he turns the dream into his own little shop of horrors. He brings the party to your dream and his victims often forget that they can alter the dream the way they want because he turns their dream into such an amusement park of pain. Aries bring the party to anybody, anywhere, anytime like Freddy Krueger. You forget about everything when a Aries is around.
TAURUS = THE EXORCIST
I chose the Exorcist for the Taurus for the simple fact that this fucking demon caused nothing but havoc from a damn bed the whole movie. Just like a Taurus. Them niggas live in bed. Talk a bunch of shit while in bed. Eat in bed. If they could they’d probably shit in bed if it was possible not to make a mess.
GEMINI = SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.
Gemini’s never really shut the fuck up. You know who else don’t shut the fuck up? Hannibal Lector. The interesting thing about Hannibal lector is that he had this barbaric and animalistic side to him where of course he cooking niggas and eating them and he had this other side that was pleasant, intelligent, and insightful. Definitely had 2 sides to him just like a Gemini. The whole movie that nigga was talking non stop. I’m like “Bruh shut the fuck up and eat a nigga spleen already.”
CANCER = TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
Thomas Hewitt aka Leatherface only gave a fuck about his family. If you weren’t his family he would kill you. Cancer’s have this super loyalty to family. They put family above everything. No matter if it’s toxic or healthy their family comes first just like Leatherface.
LEO = FRIDAY THE 13TH
Jason just don’t give a fuck. He just burst through shit and kill niggas with supreme confidence. He has the most kills in horror movie history with over 150 kills. He bold as fuck. Nigga went to Manhattan like he wasn’t a 6’6 nigga with a machete longer than a Godfather Trilogy marathon like it wasn’t shit and was catching bodies. He actually wants to be admired just like Leo’s want to be admired but the problem is the person he wants to be admired by is his momma and she dead as fuck. Leo’s don’t give a fuck how much attention they draw to themselves. They have hella confidence just like Jason Vorhees.
VIRGO = SAW
Jigsaw was so fucking particular with his traps. They were precise. Thought out. The man clearly had O.C.D. Saw has Virgo written all over it. Just the analytics of the traps he would make to kill people were just insane. The type of hard work you would have to put in to construct that shit is just different. The victims he would choose he was overly critical of. Just like Virgos are over critical of everybody including themselves.
LIBRA = SCREAM
Aye these niggas remade a horror movie in real life. That’s some real artistic shit. Libra’s have an amazing imagination and you have to have quite the imagination to remember all the rules of horror movies and then implement them in real life. You have be real tactful like a libra to pull off the shit they pulled in Scream.
SCORPIO = HALLOWEEN
Halloween is about revenge and mystery. Michael Myers is the most mysterious and secretive horror film character ever. He’s the most vengeful. So are Scorpios. You do us wrong and that’s yo ass. Dude just killed his sister for no reason and then spent damn near 40 years trying to kill his other sister. Us scorpios are a interesting bunch. People don’t understand our rhyme and reason for why we do shit. Nobody understands why Michael Myers does what he does. He’s just crazy. Just like Scorpios.
SAGITTARIUS = IT
Sag’s usually never want no smoke so it’s kinda hard to compare them to a horror movie. They’re generally more optimistic and nice and don’t really be too confrontational. They remind me of Pennywise The Clown from “IT.” That nigga only fuck wit kids. He come to a grown muhfucka wit that bullshit there won’t be no movie. Sag’s are adventurous and what’s more adventurous than living in a sewer like Pennywise does?
CAPRICORN = CANDYMAN
Candyman was a different type of evil just like Capricorn’s are. Capricorn’s are my favorites but I pride myself on honesty and Capricorn’s are thee coldest and heartless humans you’ll ever meet. When it’s time to devoid themselves of emotion they do that shit easier than making a PBJ sandwich. Candyman really killed innocent people because a white woman didn’t believe in his legend. You know how cold you gotta be to do some shit like that? I’ve asked myself that same question whenever I’ve seen what a Capricorn has said to someone or done to someone. Candyman is the only horror nigga next to Michael Myers I am not fucking with. I wants no parts.
AQUARIUS = THE SHINING
Jack Torrance from “The Shining” is terrible at expressing his emotions, is aloof, moody as fuck, wants attention but doesn’t want attention, likes to argue, refuses to compromise just like an Aquarius. I’m just gonna end it there. That sums it up. I don’t feel like wasting anymore time on Aquarius.
PISCES = THE THING
The Thing takes over the bodies of it’s victims and likes to hide. It doesn’t want any attention at all. It moves very sneaky and is very uncomfortable when attention is placed on it. That sounds like a Pisces to me. They live in their head and are probably the most introverted sign next to Capricorn’s.
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