There’s this scene in Godfather 2 where after the assassination attempt on Michael’s life he sits down with his brother Tom and confides in him for the first time and explains why he removed Tom from his role as council to The Godfather. He explained to Tom that the reason he pushed him out was because he admired him and he loved him. That moment Michael went through has literally been me for 3 straight years. 2016. 2017. 2018. That moment of feeling like “Okay is this worth it anymore?” I had extremely high highs in those years but each year had a low that instantly erased all the highs I’ve had and it was like they didn’t matter anymore. It was as if they didn’t even happen. The crazy part is that I’ve only been writing for 3 years. As soon as I started writing, bad shit happened. So I’m wondering do I have to go through all this pain just to write? Is this shit even worth it? Is it a sign to leave it alone?
Last night after I recorded the podcast I was thinking about this and really came to the conclusion that the most high doesn’t like me. The most high LOVES me but doesn’t like me. Blessed me but don’t like me. It’s because I’m not living right. I have a lot of support but I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I really understand suicide now. I get it. I’d never do it but now I understand why people do it. I wish there was a way that we could transfer pain to each other so people could feel what people are feeling and that would make them really think before they say anything to you. So they could understand better.
I’m alive but dead inside and every year for the past 3 years it gets harder to see my worth. It’s getting more difficult to discover the understanding in all of this. The past 3 years feel like I only exist to be unhappy and if that’s the case then fuck it I’ll thug through it and accept that this is path I’ve been chosen for and not complain about it and just keep living my life. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve lost the will and passion to write and I’ve never really gone through this before so it’s new to me and I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do and at this point I’m just leaving it alone. I’m gonna keep podcasting cause we made a plan. I’m not letting my brothers down and they keep me sane but this writing shit is dead until it ain’t no more. So yeah I’m a go watch Hey Arnold, plan my escape from STL, and listen to some cool ass music I’ll play in my future Cutlass.
Oh….Happy Anniversary to my parents. 35 years of marriage. Incredible.