Okay this is going to be different. This episode is just a war. There’s little to no dialogue. It’s just about survival so I’m going to give people grades on their performance in The Battle Of Winterfell.
The tension for the first 12 minutes of this episode was realer than yo momma pulling up and you realize you forgot to take the meat out the freezer.
Here are some grades.
CERSEI LANNISTER = A+
She saw the dead one time and pulled a Magic Johnson and said “I’m not gone be here.” Smart move by City Girl Cersei. She has her bonnet on and unbothered in Kings Landing. She wasn’t there but everything she wanted to happen at The Battle Of Winterfell happened. This was a win for Cersei and she will pick apart a physically alive but mentally and badly broken army in the North.
GREYWORM = A+
Greyworm is not getting a lot of credit. This nigga was everywhere like bill collectors. He was literally calling from “Scam Likely” on the army of the dead and he didn’t let up. Maybe he will take the baddest bitch in Game Of Thrones to Greece. He was on the frontlines. He was in the back. He was in the middle. His composure in leading the unsullied was masterful. He was prime Ed Reed. He was all over the field.
DAENARYS & HER KIDS = B-
She’s not the greatest leader but she actually had some key moments her dragons in the war. She saved Jon and took out a good deal of the dead army. Her fighting with Jorah was admirable and she held her own. She could’ve at least showed Jorah her titties just once. Let him experience heaven on Earth before going to heaven. He earned it. Just one time.
THE MORMONTS = A+
Well House Mormont is officially extinct. But the performance of the last 2 members shall live on forever.
Jorah lived and died in the friend zone. He lived through his skin turning like The Thing from Fantastic Four and chased and protected unattainable pussy until the end. He was a gentleman about it too.
Lyanna was a mothafucking G. She put her life on the line for humanity and took out a giant. She went out like Goku against Cell. What a true Queen she was. Rest In Power babygirl.
THE ARMY OF THE DEAD = A+
These niggas 40 times gotta be Usain Bolt levels. These mothafuckas run faster than me when I see hookah lounges and people who like hookah lounges.
THE HOUND = C+
This guy is that mothafucka who’s 7 feet tall but can’t play basketball for shit. You gotta yell at him to make him drop step and dunk on niggas in the paint. He’s skillful but when it gets rough this nigga disappears. Of all the moments to fold he picks the war for humanity to do it. He finally redeems himself in the mission to save Arya. He gets a C.
BRAN STARK = D
This nigga was watching porn in his wheelchair. He wasn’t fooling anybody. Nigga not giving instructions or warnings or anything.
JAMIE AND BRIENNE = B+
They were getting their asses kicked. I felt bad for em. Every time you saw them on the screen you just felt like it was a matter of time but aye they held it down and survived.
THE DORTHRAKI = F
You niggas had one job. One damn job. I’m glad these niggas are officially extinct. The toughest nigga in your culture died from an infected paper cut. I should’ve expected this trash ass performance. These niggas were bbq chicken out there like Shaq would say. They got swept in the playoffs. 4 straight blow outs. Did they at least pinch the dead niggas?
SAMWELL = F
This fat fuck let me down. It was like a person you believed in and think they would change but they still out here sucking dick for crack. This nigga was whimpering on the battlefield. Yes you read correctly. I used the word whimpering. This guy got his boy Edd killed. My nigga Edd was gone for 3 years and I see why. He had to get away from this fat failure. Lyanna Mormont has bigger balls than Sam.
THEON GREYJOY = A+
What a journey for this motherfucker. First you living life drinking wine, fucking all the bitches and they all calling you “Big Dick T-Joy” then a nigga kidnaps you cuts off your dick and turns you into a mute pussy. You left your sister to die. Came back for her. Went to fight in the war when you had a clear path to chill. Held Bran down while Bran was watching Avengers Endgame in his wheelchair. Ran the fade with Night King and died an honorable death. Theon. Well done. A brand new dick is awaiting you at the pearly gates. Well done soldier. Well done.
MELISANDRE = A+
The fire ain’t do shit but make these dead niggas angrier like Craig pulling out a gun on Deebo but shout out to Melisandre for lighting up my TV cause I couldn’t see shit on this episode. My TV screen was darker than a emo bitch. I gotta watch this on my iMac next time. She pep talked Arya. She told Arya that she would kill The Night King in Season 3. She lit that pit up at a crucial moment. She wasted time with the Dorthraki but it was a cool moment. She was solid. Her old ass was useful. She said aight cool I saved you niggas. Life gone be boring after this. I’ll go die.
BERIC DONDARRION = A+
This nigga died more than Kenny from South Park and The Lord Of Light said “Aye man you can get turned into ashes tmrw I’m bringing yo ass back. I need you to save Arya Stark nigga. That’s yo purpose.” Shoutout to this nigga for getting stabbed more than niggas in a season of Matlock.
JON SNOW = C+
Jon known for showing up for the playoffs was getting washed. Dude supposed to have died like 5 times out there but he kept getting bailed out. My niggas is usually Lebron James in Game 6 against The Celtics in 2012. He turned into Lamarcus Aldridge outta nowhere. I’ll give Jon Snow credit he wanted all smoke with The Night King. He fought him in the air. He chased him on the ground. He wanted to fight the Night King as badly as I wanna fuck Megan Thee Stallion. That’s pretty bad. Jon Snow might go Into depression knowing he never got a shot at The Night King.
NIGHT KING = D-
This nigga blew a 3-1 series lead like The Golden State warriors. He went to 4 Super Bowls in a row and lost all them bitches like the Buffalo Bills. The only reason this nigga not getting a F is because this nigga had a dragon blow fire on him at point blank range and he smiled like a nigga who got the corner piece of the baked macaroni and looked at Daenary’s like “Anything else bitch?” He then proceeded to duck the fade from Jon Snow and I wish you could smell the smoke because that’s my Night King jersey that has been set on fire in my driveway like a Cleveland Cavalier fan. I waited for years for them to fight and this nigga ran like a bitch. That’s why this nigga security team was weaker than coleslaw. Instant karma.
TORMUND GIANTSBANE - A+
He was raised on giants titty milk. No way my nigga dying yet. He was out there handling business.
ARYA STARK - SUMMA CUM LAUDE
She pulled down her pants and told the army of the dead “All of you line up single file so you can all suck my dick for freedom. All of you collectively come suck my dick right now. I have enough dick to go around and for all of you to share. This is the last honorable moment of your lives. Come pass away in peace.” Not only was she washing niggas. She showed insane survival skills. She’s quick as fuck with her decision making. She put up Wilt Chamberlain stats with a series ending game winner. And she called GAME. Arya should just walk around saying “Not Today” on some “I am Groot” type shit. Just to remind niggas she off the glass between the legs 360 windmilled The Night King. My first son will be named Arya Stark. She lost her virginity 2 hours ago and that wasn’t enough so she went to go save humanity. Arya will now ask Gendry “Who’s pussy is this?” And Gendry will respond “It’s The Night King Slayers Pussy.” Congrats to Gendry can’t wait until Arya gets him pregnant. Go put on your wedding dress Gendry you’re going to be the prettiest bride for King Arya. Arya Stark is the G.O.A.T.
Let’s keep it 100 though. The writers played it safe with this war. No significant deaths and gave fan service. Still a good experience though.
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