"Keep your head up."
I hear you my nigga. I feel you.
But it’s not working anymore. Honestly I rather you say nothing instead of that. Just say “I love you” or a simple “Sorry.”
I just have to go through the pain. There’s no way around it. People have to feel the emotions of death. We have to deal with loss and the last thing on my mind is whether my head is up or down.
My brother gone. I’m feeling
Have you ever questioned your faith? Like really. Have you ever questioned your faith in God and just life in general? That’s how powerful losing someone you love is. A relationship that’s so powerful can become fragile to the point you question it's existence in a mere moment. So if my relationship with the lord could be questioned and possibly fractured how in the fuck do you expect me to keep my head up?
I know you wouldn’t keep your head up if you were in my shoes so why tell me that?
The same question just keeps appearing in my mind the past week.
“Why are the demons allowed to run the earth and the good people are taken away so easily?”
The people who could help us we kill those people or they're just taken away from us and the people who want to see the world burn and hurt people we give those people a pass, nothing tragic ever happens to them or people are blinded to what they truly are.
I’ve lost one family member for the past 3 months all from gun violence. April. May. June. Summer will never be the same for me. My brother died the first day of summer. I know the cliche thing to say is that I’ve become numb to it. I thought I was numb but I wasn’t because my heart has been broken and I can feel that. I’m not numb. I’m more curious than anything. There’s nothing but questions and memories. Not numbness. If I was numb I’d tool up and ride around St.Louis on the hunt for the people who broke my heart but that’s not the case.
I can’t keep my head up. Your head has the weight of the world when you go through what I’ve gone through. Almost impossible to think about lifting up.
I don’t know about anyone else but I’m tired of funerals. It’s not even the funerals that hurt me it’s after the funerals what gets to me. You just gotta go on living and figure out a way to live with the fact that your loved one is gone. You’ll never get over it so you have no choice but to try and figure out a way.
The last reason I really can’t keep my head up is because I’m going through understanding and forgiveness instead.
All of this has changed me. I don’t give a fuck about anything negative. I’m not arguing with anyone who I know I couldn’t call at 4am if I was in trouble. I’m not giving my attention to anything that doesn’t have love involved. If anyone has a problem with me then I’ll take the blame even if they’re in the wrong. If I can forgive killers that took a piece of my heart away from me then everything else is a walk in the park. I’ve found strength for my soul through this time in my life and it’s the only refreshing feeling that keeps me calm and puts peace in my every step.
So to all my beautiful people who told me to keep my head up during potentially the worse time in my life I’m sorry but I can’t because it wouldn’t matter if it was up or down if what’s inside it isn’t right.
Thanks anyway! Love you! =)