A drunk ain't shit and that means I ain't shit. Seeing that I am on Homer Simpson levels with alcohol tolerance, I only achieved that badge of honor of moving up in the ranks by drinking all types of alcohol and getting completely wasted by all of them.
If you read this and you've felt differently about it then just @ me on twitter at @politeasflannel and let's talk about it. I'm interested in all of you guys experience. Mainly so I can laugh at you.
Here are 9 types of drunk.
Jack Daniels is my favorite drink because it's a man's drink. I feel like Ron mothafucking Swanson when I drink it. It's a real gentlemen with a handlebar mustache drink. I don't mix it with shit I drink it on the rocks. When you're whiskey drunk you're super loose. Like you'll convince your significant other to say fuck it let's take a uber to the suburbs and swim in somebody pool but you'll do that shit so smooth and confidently that if you get caught you wouldn't even be mad. You might Deebo the people for the pool cause whiskey drunk makes you think you're The Juggernaut or The Hulk. You super aggressive on whiskey.
This was the college student go to. Every drunk night I had in college was because of vodka. Vodka drunk just made me wanna fight people and it makes me a mean drunk. Mean drunks aren't cool. Vodka will get you drunk super fast too. All you need is maybe 3 shots and you're buzzed but anymore after that you're about to be wasted. Vodka just make people annoying. You ever been around a person who only drink vodka? You start questioning why in the fuck you're friends with them. Every dumb drunk text I've ever sent was because of vodka. I committed to a relationship through text because of being vodka drunk. Woke up the next day to a text that said "Is my boyfriend alive or nah?" Bitch where?! How? What? Vodka also has the worse morning after taste of every liquor hands the fuck down. You can just smell the failure and negligence on your breath the next morning and it gives you the worse stomach pains. I'm glad I've outgrown this alcohol and I can proudly say Fuck Vodka.
Why are you drinking gin? Pathetic.
This is the most trash drunk of em all. Beer drunk. If you're on a budget, a weirdo, married, then I'm sure you enjoy beer drunk. I truly hate beer a lot. Getting beer drunk is for people who like to flush radiators and barbecue on their front porch. I usually drink 40's and If you're drunk off a 40 you talking all shit about everything and everybody. If you ever wanna know a secret about myself just give me a 40oz and you'll know it before the night is over. I'm joaning on niggas when I got a 40. I remember we didn't know the liquor laws in Dallas so all the liquor stores was closed and all we could get is 40's from gas stations so we got 40's finished them and went to the club and it was where The Dallas Cowboys players hung out at and I was talking all shit and getting all these niggas girls numbers. I was really doing too much I admit. Throwing up my block. Got like 80 wall dances. Yelling. Security threatened to throw me out and I just started joaning on his dork ass. Nigga neck looked like Michael Myers boots.
Tequila drunk is dangerous because it's so unpredictable. I drank 5 big ass margaritas a couple weeks ago, drove home and sat on my neighbors porch and got some tweets off. I never met them niggas a day in my life. You tequila drunk and one minute you on your way to her crib and you know for a fact you bout to get it in and the next minute it's 7:17am and you're on her living room floor because you blacked out before the pussy got a chance to bless you. I only drink tequila for BIG shit. Like if I know I wanna kick it super hard that night. I'm fucking with Patron. The tequila hangover is no fucking joke at all. It'll make you go through your monthly "I'm done drinking, why do I do this to myself?" moments. You're hurt from your bed getting tweets off and your check liver light is on.
Remember when you got your ass beat for the first time in a fight and you asked yourself after the fight "What the fuck happened?" That's champagne drunk. Champagne ain't no punk. It ain't shit but fancy beer but this shit will have you feeling like Rock Lee kicked you in your head 113 times. The only time I drink champagne is New Years Eve or if i'm tryna be a fancy brunch ass nigga and drink mimosas. A champagne hangover will knock you out of the game. If I know I will drink champagne I will take off work for 2 days ahead of time because that's how lethal the hangover is.
One, you will tell all your niggas you love them. Two, you will get super emotional to trap music. Three, if you're out with your significant other it will be the best night ever. Henny drunk with your bae makes life worth living. I don't see why niggas don't like going to parties with they girl. It's super lit. Four, you will have sex for the length of all 3 Godfather movies and Avatar combined. Guys, you're most likely eating your woman's ass on your Henny drunk nights. That's just something I've learned to accept and realize if it's God's will then it will be done.
I literally thought my dick was broken while henny drunk because I couldn't stop fucking. I mean my ex was wearing me the fuck out and on a sober night I would've been outta there in 5 minutes. She put on a performance of a lifetime I'm talking award winning and her parents would be embarrassed if they saw the shit she was doing and saying and despite all that I just couldn't stop fucking. I know in her mind she was like "How is this nigga still going? My pussy hit this nigga with the Kamehameha Wave, Galick Gun, and Spirit Bomb and he's still alive? How?" Henny. That's how! Henny drunk is fun. Just plain fun. It's not the best cognac but I think people drink it cause of it's influence. I'm never hungover off of it for some reason though.
Rum is some dangerous shit. I've done some death defying shit while rum drunk. Like run across a highway. Jump off a roof. Threw up on a police officer shoes. Surf on the roof of a moving car. Rum drunk just make me do some dumb shit. Rum drunk not worth it.
The drink for any occasion. Happy or sad. Niggas been sleeping on Wine drunk for a while. Wine drunk is like that pretty ass girl that you think can't fight and a ugly girl tries to fight her and you think "Oh the ugly girl bout to bink that pretty bitch up" and the pretty girl beat her ass so bad that you think twice before fucking with her. That's how wine drunk is. You think wine is sweet and you drinking it like it ain't shit but then the room start spinning on yo goofy ass and it's game over.
Being wine drunk makes me think about and do some weird shit too. Like if I fuck a woman while I'm wine drunk I'll ask her to just take out one titty and wonder if the covered up titty is lonely and heartbroken that it's unable to join us during this fuck session. It's a all around drunk. You can either have a really insightful sophisticated conversation while wine drunk or you can turn up being wine drunk. The hangovers wine give you are painful though. You're just laying in bed the next day asking yourself "How? Why?"
Hey it's National Taco Day today so it's perfect for you to get tacos and get tequila drunk from Margaritas! Peace!