Here's a self care guide for real niggas. This how you become a SelfCareBoy.
First you Gotta wake up to Jeezy intros. Throw the "Dem Boyz" verse in there too. They’re just as important as prayers. Start your self care as soon as you open your eyes.
Hype up ya homies. When you hype up ya homies they hype you back up cause they real niggas and you a real nigga and your circle only full of real niggas and it just turns into a real nigga celebration of why all of you are the waviest niggas to ever do it. This is dedicated to those Variety magazine niggas. Fuck them niggas. Pussy niggas.
Wash your sheets. Buy more sheets. If your sheets thread count not higher than the original amount of Pokemon then it's time to upgrade my pal. Get the sheets with the Egyptian and Pima cottons. It'll feel like you sleeping on a sweet Hawaiian roll. You deserve that sleep. #SelfCareBoyz.
Gotta get you some good body butter and oils. You gotta smell like a fresh cinnamon roll. You can't just have one bottle of lotion and one bottle of body wash. You gotta have different types of lotions, body butters, and oils for different occasions. This shit is like collecting holographic Pokemon cards. This self care shit is art. Your skin the canvas. Your skin gotta stay hydrated. If you not getting compliments on how you smell like a apple pie when you step out then you not doing something right.
Put on masks at the crib. Ignore your ex while you exfoliate. You too important for your ex now. Put on a cucumber mask and reset your face. Face masks will have your face feeling like a PS2 game that makes it’s through the home screen and to the Playstation 2 letters. Relieved and Glorious.
Self care and binge watch a anime. Niggas still out here not watching anime. Grow up goofy. Anybody who hating on anime still breath smell like booty shots.
Cucumber everything. Everything. My bathroom smells like cucumber, honey, and mangoes. Stepping in my bathroom is self care in itself. Taking a shower in my bathroom feels like I’m in the rain forest under a waterfall on some Tarzan shit and my Jane wears a bonnet. Get your bathroom on Fern Gully my pal.
Listen to Reasonable Doubt. It’s not self care without listening to the greatest rap album ever. Listen to “Can I Live” while lotioning your cuticles to the level of Jesus hands. Your nails gotta be on Fabio. File the nails and get the dirt out. Can’t have your hands looking and smelling like a Zookeeper. When it comes to your hands and nails think “Cashmere Thoughts” Your hands gotta be smooth but deadly like a pearl handled pistol.
Cuddling is essential to self care. I’m rubbing booties and cuddling. I don’t wanna smash. I wanna cuddle. That’s the only energy I want from now on. Let’s eat a edible, cuddle, and watch 3 Ninjas or documentaries. Cuddling is the wave. Don’t let these maddie patties tell you different. The energy you get from cuddling is on the level when Will let Carlton have his chicktionary. You can feel the power. You can feel the radiance, the love, and most importantly you can feel the cheeks.
Smoke the finest of tree to Soulection mixes, Jamiroquai, The 1st 3 N.E.R.D albums, and The Internet.
Ignore all bill collectors. All they wanna talk about is old shit. We on our self care shit we only concerned with today and beyond. What they bringing up old shit for? Rent & electric are the only real bills in life. The rest of those jabronis can wait. Pay they monkey asses when you feel like it. We not allowing negativity in our lives. For every bill collector that calls that’s another fit you buy.
Get a lining. When you leave that chair and your lining hitting with the preciseness of a Hawkeye arrow can’t nobody tell you shit. Niggas really go Ultra Instinct when the lining is fresher than strawberries in the Caribbean.
Watch Love Jones or Harlem Nights. Let that realness heal your soul.
Oh yeah work on your feet. We got our feet out here now. Can’t have our feet looking like a muhfucka when the club lights come on at the end of the night. Feet can't be looking like the bottom of a Old Navy flip flop.
Play the Jodeci “Forever My Lady” album while you texting and face timing all your baes. The first Jodeci album increases your texting and face timing powers. After you face time them with your face looking like a fresh honey bun under a warmer cause of your skin products they gone be like “Ain’t another nigga like him and if there was I’d have to go to the corner of the Earth to find him and I don’t have time to travel that far so I got no choice but to fuck with him” …….. Gang.
Play Dreamcast, PS2, NES, Gameboy (Pokemon), or Gamecube. Those 5 systems only. Fuck it, all video games.
Buy shirts & hoodies for yourself & spray them with platinum Chanel and hang them up so when your shorties steal em they’ll always smell like you and shorty will always stay wet like ol girl in the front row at “The Five Heartbeats” show cause she constantly smells you. Plus it’ll make their boyfriend and husband jealous. Just a playa reminder that they not SelfCareBoyz. They nails look like 2 week old bananas.
I don’t care if it’s Wednesday. You a SelfCareBoy so any day you choose is Taco Tuesday. Multiple times a week too. Extra hot sauce. Triple the margaritas.
Create art to Yu-Yu Hakusho soundtrack. You deserve it.
Go candle shopping. You not real if you don’t have fire candles around the crib. Getchu that Nest Holiday Candle or any candles with good burn time and fragrance. Only break out the $60 or better candles if you want some cheeks you care about. The other candles cheaper than that are for your hoeing and hoeing only.
Lay ya fit out just to have a template of how you the jiggiest nigga to breathe oxygen. You deserve to feel godly. Lay ya fit out on ya bed and premeditate the murder cause you bout to murder these niggas when you step out the crib. Matter fact go to brunch in your Hawaiian shirt and drink mimosas on these fuckas.
Watch artist documentaries like shit about Warhol, Picasso, Coco Chanel, Basquiat. Shit be trippy and expanding your mind and creativity. Self care includes your mind too. Don’t forget that.
Tell ya momma you love her. You owe her everything. Self care not possible without the Queen.
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