THE THING REVIEW

Day 5 of the 31 Day Horror marathon on Polite As Flannels. If you reading this thank you for your support so far. I’m having the time of my life watching so many new and old horror movies. Today we talk about John Carpenter’s “The Thing.”

This is my favorite horror movie of all time. John Carpenter’s resume is pretty fucking untouchable with “Halloween” and “The Thing” alone. I remember the first time I watched it which was around 2011-2012 on HBO max which of course is very late because this movie came out in 1982 before I was alive. I remember being addicted to the movie immediately. 

The Thing actually flopped in the box office when it came out and John Carpenter was heavily criticized for the film. The creator of the film The Thing was based on even hated John Carpenter’s film. All them niggas was snorting cocaine like a white bitch at a Rick James party. The Thing is fucking gas. It’s a reason why over time real ones smartened up and realized this film was ahead of it’s time.

The Thing tells the story of an alien creature that can invade any living organism. Mutate in the living organism and replicate that organism perfectly. If this alien came across a giraffe it can infiltrate that giraffe and imitate that giraffe. It can’t copy useful shit like money, garlic bread or samurai swords which makes the case of why it’s a sinister villain. 

A research team is stuck in a facility in Antarctica and The Thing/Alien creature starts to imitate the research team and they have to figure out who is actually human and who is “The Thing.” It’s no different from “Invasion of the body snatchers.”

It’s already bad enough I’m in freezing ass Antarctica with a bunch of niggas with a dumb ass alien trying to infect me but there’s no bitches or garlic bread for thousands of miles? I’d lose my fucking mind. I’d transform into King Von and start killing niggas myself before the alien does. I don’t have time for this shit. Just thinking about it has me going crazy so you can imagine being stuck in a confined space how crazy it would make any human. The actors do a great job in portraying that feeling. 

Before I type any further can we talk about the dreamboat that is Kurt Russell in this movie? His beard was a thing of beauty. Kurt Russell sported a beard that usually has a red flannel, axe and deer meat attached to it. I’m a man that is incapable of growing a luscious beard because God deemed it unfair for me to be handsome, funny, a chef, talented and also have a beautiful beard. It would be like giving Jesus a Draco. 

New New daddy from “ATL” was in this film the great Keith David and I know what you’re thinking. There were no Picassos ruined in this film.  Alert Esquire and let him know everything is okay.

This film is beautifully shot and has amazing real world visual effects. The fact that this film was made in 1982 and has such great practical effects blows me away. The cool thing about practical effects is that the actor can actually see what the thing is so it brings out the best in the actor. CGI can’t do that because the actors are just looking at a green screen and that’s fucking boring. Looking at some of the alien practical effects in this film was frightening and would bring emotion out of anyone. 

There’s a scene with this husky and it’s sitting in a kennel and it’s just staring and I promise you it’s the most unsettling shit to me. The way the husky eyes looked was like a demonic presence. The camera just focused on the eyes of that dog like an awkward silence. I don’t know if that was a shot that was done on purpose but it was a beautiful terrifying shot. The sequence that followed after that shot scarred me for life. It’s a scene that is still hard for me to watch today.

The Thing had a remake in 2011 and The 1982 version looks better than the 2011 version. Better acting. Better effects. Better horror sequences. This movie has stood the test of time and has insane replay value. 

The Thing heightens my paranoia, it’s creepy, and the suspense it has due to the perfect editing is unmatched. This is a timeless masterpiece. The best horror movie ever made. Period. 

Love, Benny